Joke of the Week

Beware of Ducks
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Bob, Jimmy, and Dave were racing home from a night party and were all
killed in an accident. Next thing they know they are standing at
heaven's entrance and St. Peter says that they all led good enough
lives, just enough to make it into heaven. But then he warns them
that God really has a thing for ducks and they are all over the place
so watch your step.

So Bob, Jimmy, and Dave go on in and see all these ducks every where.
Well they decide to split up and look around and meet back at the
entrance in ten minutes. So they all split up and after ten minutes
Jimmy and Dave meet up but Bob doesn't show up. After five more
minutes, Bob shows up carrying the ugliest girl you can imagine on
his back. Jimmy and Dave ask what happened. Bob explains "I stepped
on a duck and God is punishing me by making me carry this girl."

Well they all split up again and after Bob and Dave meet, Jimmy
finally comes along carrying a girl twice as ugly as the first. When
asked what happens he explains "I stepped on a duck and God is
punishing me like he did with Bob."

So again they all split up and Bob and Jimmy meet. After a while here
comes Dave being carried by a beautiful girl. So Bob and Jimmy run up
and ask "What happened" and the girl explains "Well I stepped on a
duck."

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Mercy Hospital
------------ --

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary
surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained
consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his
bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting
his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for
your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?"

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Do you have any close relatives, then?"

"Just my sister in New Mexico, but she's a spinster nun.", said the
man.

"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are
married to Jesus."

The man said with a smile, "Okay, then bill my brother-in-law. "

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Counting Pecans
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On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the
cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat
down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. As
they were sharing the nuts, two nuts dropped and rolled down towards
the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed,
he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you and one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered,
"it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery."

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met
an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the
boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at
the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted, though, the man hobble to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for, me."

The man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if
we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through
the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the
boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as
they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you.

That's all. Now let's go get those two nuts by the fence, and we'll be
done."

They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To a Loving Wife
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A couple from North Alabama decided to go to Florida for a long
weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both
had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It
was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and
his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he
decided to open his laptop and send his wife a e-mail back in North
Alabama. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address,
and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He
was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory'
following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting
messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message,
she fainted and fell to the floor.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has
been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you
then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Well-Planned Life
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Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you
manage to live a well planned life? "

"Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my
second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well
planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."